


sweet devotion

by peace_love_happiness



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel (Supernatural) Needs a Hug, Coda, Episode: s14e18 Absence, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-14 15:25:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18479014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peace_love_happiness/pseuds/peace_love_happiness
Summary: There’s family and then there’s Family. Sam and Dean have known each other their whole lives. He’ll never be able to match the bond that they have with each other.





	sweet devotion

Castiel doesn’t have a last name. Last names are something for humans. Winchester, Singer, Mills. Even Crowley had one at a time of his life, when he was human, Macleod. Castiel’s never had one. They’re for humans, a sign of family. Castiel doesn’t have a family, not anymore at least.

* * *

The angels were supposed to be each other’s family. All of the ones he were closed to are dead. Most of them by his hand, directly or indirectly.  The few ones left don’t really like him. Of course they don’t. They have no reason too.

* * *

“I love all of you,” he said when he thought he was dying. No one had told him “I love you back.” No one ever has. They call him family, sure, a brother. But that’s all. He’s not invited to the game nights. Maybe Sam and Dean think that he’s busy. He was busy when Sam and Dean carved their initials on a table of the bunker, marking the place they call home. He was helping the angels at the time, trying to be accepted somewhere. But even when he came back, they didn’t ask him to carve a C on the table. Castiel thinks he understands. There’s family and then there’s Family. Sam and Dean have known each other their whole lives. He’ll never be able to match the bond that they have with each other.

* * *

No, Castiel doesn’t have a home. Not really. He’s always traveling, always fixing up messes it seems. Home is where you sleep. Castiel isn’t human, he doesn't need to sleep. Home is where Family is, and Castiel doesn’t have that.

* * *

Once upon a time, Dean had clapped his shoulder, told him that it had been ages since he had laughed that much, that Castiel had been able to give him happiness in the midst of all the pain of the apocalypse. Castiel thinks that perhaps the happiest he’s been.

* * *

The Empty said that he’ll take him when he’s at his happiest, but he’s never happy. He never has any reason to be. Maybe that means he’ll be alive forever, that he’ll live long enough to see Sam and Dean die. Then he’ll truly be alone then, wouldn’t he?

* * *

Castiel tries.

He tries and tries. He tries to become God to make a better world for Sam and Dean and then he tries to close the doors to Heaven to keep them safe and then he tries and becomes Lucifer’s vessel so they can defeat the Darkness, but it’s never enough. No matter how hard he tries, he always ends up failing. Dean gets angry and yells at him while Sam just looks disappointed. Castiel isn’t sure which one’s worse. Now Mary is dead and Jack is who knows where without a soul and yet again it’s him to blame. 

* * *

He notices after the funeral that there’s another set of initials. MW. Sometime Mary carved hers on the table, when Castiel wasn’t there.

Sam and Dean may have only really known Mary for three years, but she was their mother. There was a natural connection between them that he’ll never have. She’s Family. She wasn’t some broken angel who can do nothing but fail. That’s why she got her initial on the table. Castiel doesn’t even have an initial. He just has a C. The sole C on the table wouldn’t look right with all the letters paired with a W. Perhaps at a time Castiel dared to hope that someday that C would be considered worthy enough to get its own W. But he’s sure now that’ll never happen.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, I love Jared and Jensen but them saying that Castiel will never have his name carved on the table filled me with sadness so I wrote Castiel being sad to make me feel less sad. Did it work? No. Notre Dame burnt down while I wrote this and now I have a new source of depression. I could write a fan fiction with Notre Dame being personfied and it being sad to make me feel better, but I don't know what personality I would give a church. In conclusion: LET CASTIEL CARVE HIS NAME ON THE TABLE YOU COWARDS!!! 
> 
> My tumblr's [peace-love-happiness](https://peace-love-happiness.tumblr.com) and my Twitter's [happily_sad24](https://twitter.com/happily_sad24) if you want to follow me.


End file.
